Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
