ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
