im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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