apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
