i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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