That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
