Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize