No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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