my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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