he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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