census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
do nipples grow back?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
