haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
that may or may not have been my penis.
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