Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
