There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
