I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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