This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
