at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
