You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize