um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize