I am in a vortex of obligation.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
me + whiskey = a bad person
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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