Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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