when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
home. puking in laundry basket.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
