how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
