Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
