Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
