It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Randomize
