You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
