So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
this boner is exhausting
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
