My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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