I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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