I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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