Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
