you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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