Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
