someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
