I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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