Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize