I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
