....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
