Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
