I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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