Yo dont text me then not text me
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
