she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
