Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
