I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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