I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
