Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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