Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
