I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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