I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
