you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
