I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
