true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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