OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
