DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
