i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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