If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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